You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
