I look better un-naked...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
