I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
