Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
