Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
