Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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