i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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