this just has baby written all over it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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