First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
