There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
