I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
