found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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