the condom got lost in my hair
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
