Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
