you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
