remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
