I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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