I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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