these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
