Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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