Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
