Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
