If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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