Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
