i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
