When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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