Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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