wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
