I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
