Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
