Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We're too hungover to prance.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
