My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
