remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
