I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
