Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
