you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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