I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
