you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
