I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
