my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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