I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
