I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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