i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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