I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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