I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She told me I should be a condom model.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
