i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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