I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
