I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
