Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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