Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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